Happiness :)

I have thought about this idea countless times, so many times in fact that it's hard for me to collect all the thoughts that I have on it.

My first thought is that I believe it with every piece of myself.  Every piece.  I know it's true.

My second thought is ... Why is it so hard sometimes?

I actually love to love.  I think it's natural for me, 
but I have been hurt (just like everyone) and sometimes I feel like I have to protect my heart.  

But I can't openly love if I am busy guarding my heart, so it's hard for me sometimes.

My ego is trained to want to one up everyone and to show no weakness.  I don't want to be like that. And I'm not really like that, but my brain reverts to it when for instance someone throws me under the bus, so to speak.

How do I love when I'm not loved back?

This is how.

When someone hurts me I think ... I wish you happiness, peace, and love and I wish it with all my heart.  Maybe I don't say it to their face because it's too painful for me, but I think it and I hope it for them with every ounce of myself.

I am the happiest when I get lost in something, when I'm being true to my self.  I usually get lost in writing and I love when it happens.  I'll just be brainstorming away and then BAM! a half hour or an hour has just whipped past me.  And it makes me laugh with joy (I look like a crazy person waiting in my kids' school parking lot laughing to myself, but I don't care) because I used to not get lost in anything, always worrying about this and about that and writing makes me free.  And I've never been happier.  Because I love it.

I don't care if anyone else loves it, I mean it's nice to hear but I'm writing for myself because it's something I feel I need to do.  And I've never wanted to put so much of myself into anything besides my husband and kids.

Although, I don't put myself in him ... it's more vice versa. Also, I have a really dirty mind, but it makes me laugh which in turn, is another thing that makes me happy.

I think that the point I'm trying to get across (through all the rambling) is that to be happy, truly happy you have to love.    Love everyone and if you can't do it to their face, wish them love.  Baby steps, Bob.  Love your mistakes and your faults and own them, they're yours and once you love them no one can use them against you.  You're at peace with them.  Plus, they got you to where you are today, right now, reading my weird blog ;)

I am going to go and have love thoughts and ramble to myself.

I wish you love and happiness <3

Peace out!

Pam